And we’re back in the house like furniture! We apologize for the brief hiatus; Victor, Walt and Mick had a staring contest, and to spare you from the details I’ll just say this: no staring contest should last longer than 13 hours. As for Calvin, he was too busy planning a raid in Final Fantasy XI that he forgot to write. He also forgot that there are only about 30 people still playing that game.
Anyways, we’re here with a new letter from Ghostbusters Two. I know it’s a little far-fetched, but I really hope that’s a real name:
Dear Ominous Knife,
The other day I was watching television and this Chips Ahoy commercial came on. It had this cookie seducing a girl in his…or her apartment, singing “If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy.” Then, OUT OF NOWHERE, this giant hand came down and ate him. There’s no rubble that comes down from the celling being broken, which leads me to believe that it was some sort of interdimensional giant.
But then, the girl then responds by looking up and casually saying, “Call me!”
HOW WILL HE CALL HER? At that very moment he’s being devoured by some unseen giant with the ability to grab helpless cookies at will. And why is she so callous about the fact that her date has just been devoured by a monster?!
This leads me to a few more questions as well-
1. In Chips Ahoy cookie world, do people and cookies regularly date?
2. If so, do interdimensional giants eat people as well?
3. Could I be eaten by an interdimensional giant?!
2. What would a cookie/human spawn look like?
4. Is the Chips Ahoy world connected to the California of the California Raisins?
This trend of having intelligent food in commercials seems to be growing. Perhaps you are familiar with the recent, “Crazy Good” Poptarts add campaign. THOSE commercials consist of innocent Poptarts, who are minding their own business, being killed and eaten in a TON of different ways.
The problem, as I see it, is that we are getting rid of one of God and C.S. Lewis’ created boundaries- Talking food shouldn’t be killed or eaten.
What are we teaching children? “As long as someone looks delicious, it’s okay to eat them”?
So please promise me I will not be seeing any talking food devoured in any upcoming Ominous Knife strips.
Sincerely,
Ghostbusters Two
Calvin: Let’s start by examining the first two paragraphs. Apparently decade-old movie sequels care deeply about the plight of anthropomorphic snack foods. I’m…really not sure if we can even comment.
Victor: First off, Ghostbusters Two is much older than ten years. Secondly, who doesn’t care about those cookies? As humanitarians, I believe it is our duty to raise awareness about the genocide happening to delicious talking foods all around the world. Look at the other examples: Poptarts. The California Raisins. M&Ms. The Keebler Elves. Those Fanta chicks.
Calvin: I’m pretty sure that the Fanta girls are human, Victor.
Victor: Are they? I posit that they are actually djinn, freed from their plastic bottle prisons into this mortal world. When we drink Fanta, we are consuming a spirit of air and fire.
Calvin: Or orange. That’s my favorite flavor.
Warren: Let’s take a look at the rest of the letter. Now, I’m no math whiz, but I’m pretty sure there are five numbered questions. Why, then, does it end at 4? If our good friend GT can’t be bothered to count properly then I can’t deign to respond.
Walt: I can!
1. Yes, in the Chips Ahoy world cookies and humans date, and even marry. They then have little babies ahoy that have chocolate for blood.
2. Some people believe that an interdimensional snack binge is what created the universe. So yes, interdimensional giants do get hungry, and when they do they eat whatever they want.
Whatever they want.
3. In this wide world of ours, anything is possible. You may not be eaten by an interdimensional giant, but you could be torn apart by sentient laser beams, or beset upon by a magical crow. That’s how my uncle lost his eye.
Mick: I thought your uncle lost it in ‘Nam?
Walt: Same thing. On to 2.: Here is what a cookie/human spawn would look like. Behold your sanity’s demise!
4. Actually, Chips Ahoy are distant cousins of the Oatmeal Family, who raise California Raisins in much the same way that ants raise aphids.
Calvin: Look, it breaks down like this: we eat things because they are delicious, not because they look that way. However, if they look delicious and are delicious, then it’s anyone’s game. Besides, the cookie was asking for it. Dressing all seductively, letting its chocolate chips just hang out like this is the Garden of Eden. Maybe if cookies were more modest they could avoid being eaten by interdimensional giants.
That’s it for this week’s Ominous Questions! Keep ‘em coming! As you can see, we have no filter!
